Siber-Den
31 December 2002
New Year's Ramblings
Kev and I are holed up inside our warm little place, hiding out from revelers shooting off their guns and driving like drunk lunatics :). It'll be a quiet night for us. At some point, we'll open a bottle of wine and toast the New Year.
I get weird on New Year's Eve. I don't know what it is exactly. It's never been a big party time for me. Mostly there's nostalgia for those who aren't with us anymore. And there's a little fear for what the New Year will bring. I'm weird that way. I wonder if this will be a good year or bad and how I'll look back on it next New Year's. I'm not Woody Allen-ish about most things, but time seems different to me lately. Maybe I'll relax about it at some point.
Regardless, mixed in with the sadness and nostalgia and aches and longing, there is a very healthy dose of happiness and contentment. This past year has been one of the best in my life. It's a hard thing to say considering how I wish my dad would've been around to share it with me. It's hard to straddle this line of missing him constantly and being happy and alive. His absence is palpable. This has been the first full year without him. The family has managed to survive not having this overbearing, strong, guiding, suffocatingly adoring father that we all clung to like a lifesaver. At the same time, we've all lost a big part of us. And we're still here. And we're still trudging forward. And we're still laughing and loving and living. And we cherish this space he filled. What else is there for us to do?
I'm not really as mopey as this all sounds. It sounds as if I've been dipping in the wine already, and maybe the couple of margaritas I shared with my mom at lunch are still working their magic on me. I just want every year to be as good as this one. And never to lose this ache for the past. And never to have reason to ache again.
Having said all that, to those of my friends, family and loved ones who regularly come here and read my ramblings, please have a safe and happy New Year. Your presence in my life is one of the reasons this year has been the best ever.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled New Year's festivities.
[Posted at 21:42 on 12/31/02]
30 December 2002
Cats And Dogs
It's either devotion or lunacy, but I just walked the dog in the pouring rain. The umbrella helped a little, but I'm still a little wet. The pup refused to believe there was a reason other than laziness for me not walking her (yes...I tried to reason with her).
She didn't much like the rain. I didn't much like the lightning.
Yep, it's lunacy.
At some point, I'll put up an entry about our Christmas. I'm still overwhelmed at work and too exhausted to put words together when I get home. I should put something down for posterity's sake. It was a nice one.
[Posted at 21:56 on 12/30/02]
29 December 2002
Squirrelly
Someone should be testing the water in Denton.
[Posted at 23:24 on 12/29/02]
19 December 2002
Funny Sleep
I was awakened last night by one of my sleep laughing fits. Weird thing. I'll wake up laughing OUT LOUD, feel amazingly happy and goofy from the laughing, and then start to worry about my sanity. This little nighttime tendency has been going on since I was a kid. My mom used to hear me laughing from my bedroom when we lived in my childhood home.
I guess that means some episodes DON'T wake me. Kev has been known to stroke my back to wake me from a few of my sleep laughing spells. He didn't hear last night's. It must have been a doozy to have awakened me though.
I never seem to be able to associate the ones that wake me with precipitating dreams. No mental scenes or scenarios seem to precede the laughing fits. My body/mind just decides to let loose with a laughing spiel.
Don't know if any of it means anything. I laugh plenty when awake. It's not as if I'm below quota. Maybe it's a stress thing. Maybe it's my body's way of releasing endorphins. I have been a bit stressed the past week or so. Hmmmm. Hopefully that should end tomorrow.
I guess I shouldn't complain. It could be worse. :)
[Posted at 10:31 on 12/19/02]
16 December 2002
Gave Me Goosebumps
Holy cow. This is beautiful. I love a good dog story.
[Posted at 22:57 on 12/16/02]
No-Kill Shelters
And then there are articles about good shelters.
Despite the daunting numbers, animal advocates like Klose are optimistic. His facility in upstate New York is one of a growing number of animal shelters that are rethinking their approach to cat and dog overpopulation, and working toward ending the killing of adoptable pets."I think it's very realistic to think it can be done," he says.
Years of working in animal control have convinced him that a "no-kill" shelter is not just possible, but also essential. Extensive euthanasia has lowered the morale of shelter workers, alienated the pet-loving public, and fostered the idea that cats and dogs are essentially disposable, he says.
[Posted at 22:38 on 12/16/02]
14 December 2002
College Football Requiem
So, Kev is still getting over his cold. We've spent most of the day eating, sleeping, and watching really terrible tv (well...I did make one small two hour trip to see my mom and take stock of all the kids gifts I've bought). We've seen TWO Lifetime movies today. Sad, I know.
To really cinch our failed psych evaluation, we are currently watching an ESPN original theatrical release (that sort of creature does seem to exist). Yep, Kev and I are watching The Junction Boys. You see, I was wondering what was different about today. This is the first Saturday we've been without college football. I was wondering why it was so quiet and calm and, well, kinda boring :). We've found the story of Bear and his Aggies to keep us company. We were supposed to head over for coffee an hour ago. We've been glued to the tube since this started.
Very sad. It's a good story though. Kev was kind of apologetic when it started...promising that he didn't want to watch the whole thing. Silly me. After watching it for a few minutes, I had to exclaim that it was fascinating.
Might as well get my fill of it while I can.
[Posted at 21:45 on 12/14/02]
12 December 2002
Shakes
I'm a basket case. I'm watching E.R. at the moment, and it's making me shake. It started with a botched intubation, and it's only gotten worse since then. Should television get me so worked up?
Relief: t-minus fifteen minutes.
[Posted at 21:48 on 12/12/02]
08 December 2002
Kev Musings
I had a conversation with a friend at work recently. She asked what I was doing for the weekend, and I mentioned some show Kev and I were going to go see. She studied me for a few seconds and asked me a strange question. She wondered whether I always do social things with Kev.
Ruth just recently got engaged, but she's extremely social. I think she probably thinks it's amazingly boring of me to "limit" myself to Kev socially. I'm with Kev because I love doing things with him. I do things with him, almost exclusively (a few lunches with friends notwithstanding), because he makes me happy. He completes me. He makes me comfortable and happy and intense. He's made it possible for me to feel joy. Why, oh why, would I NEED or WANT more?
Maybe the question is, why would I want or need less.
I love this man. I love doing coffee with him almost every night. I love the myriad of links he sends me every day. I love seeing music with him. I love that he always wants me to stroke his hair and sit on the couch with him and watch bad tv. I love that he thinks nothing of me talking all day in my Kiwi voice. I love it when he touches me. I love the way he makes me feel.
I'm usually better than this, but I missed one of our anniversaries last week. December 2nd is the day we got together for good. Three years ago, I had made arrangements weeks before to head over to Vegas on Dec. 3rd to catch a Counting Crows show with my sister, but Kev had a Christmas party scheduled for the night before. I attended another party a rescue friend was throwing, then headed over to Kev's after. Got there as everyone was leaving. We spent the night talking and being intense. I finally understood him that night. I'd spent the two previous months challenging him and having him explain his life to me, but it hit me that night what he was made of. I haven't let go since. I barely made it home in time to pack and make it to the airport for my 6 a.m. flight.
Maybe I have gotten too old to understand. Frankly, I don't mind this kind of senility.
[Posted at 14:38 on 12/08/02]
Thank You, John And Cathy
I'm hoarse, a little hungover, sore, my ears are ringing, and I still have a little bit of a buzz from everything we did last night.
I'm getting too old for days like yesterday. It started out innocuously enough. Kev and I did breakfast and then headed over to the gym. We did some chores and had some soup for lunch. Nothing too exciting. Then John and Cathy showed up. With them, we headed over to Reliant Stadium to catch the Sooners play in the Big 12 Championship, followed by a full Randy Rogers show. *groan* I'm getting too old for days like yesterday.
What can I say about John and Cathy? What a pair of troopers. Neither of them is a football fan. Cathy refers to football in emails as f**tb@!!. She's a baseball fan. A rabid one at that. She hasn't ever looked upon football very favorably. With her boss's tix in hand, she came out to the stadium and cheered and took pictures and marveled at some of the plays and tried to follow along. To top it all off...she even listened to my jumbled, rambling explanations of what was going on. I've been watching football for over twenty years (thank you, Dad :). I can't imagine how confusing it must seem to someone who's never sat through a game. Troopers, I tell you.
I'm so weird. I shouldn't love football as much as I do. But I do. I find myself lately watching games with teams playing that I have no emotional attachment to. I never used to do that. Kev and I are even thinking of getting season's tix to next year's UofH football season. How crazy is that? Fodder for a therapist maybe.
By the time we got through traffic, it was closing in on midnight, and they were even game to take a peak at the Randy Rogers show. We managed to watch the whole show. I don't think the music was their cup of tea. Randy's music has a bit more twang than the bands we've been seeing lately. Still, they stuck around with us. Geez, I love those guys.
Randy was very good. He was happy last night. We had begun to call him the angsty singer because every time we've seen him, he's been a bit dour. Last night's full crowd at the Firehouse did much to cheer him. They sounded great. For the first time in a long time I wanted to dance. I'm not a dancer. I HATE dancing. The music affected me. Maybe the drink did too. It was hard to keep still.
We didn't get home till 2 a.m. and didn't fall asleep till close to 5 a.m. Up at eleven this morning for food and now some work.
*sigh* This is going to be a long week.
[Posted at 14:37 on 12/08/02]
04 December 2002
It's Too Cold To Swim
*blub* *blub*
drowning..
*blub* *blub*
too much work...
*blub* *blub*
help...
*blub* *blub*
One of these days, I'll get around to putting up a real entry. Too knackered most nights to do one. Next week will be real hell. Quarterly update for The Big Law Firm. Will have to work through this and next weekend to keep up.
At least I got some Christmas shopping done today. Scratched the surface anyway. Can't figure out what to get certain V.I.P.'s in Oklahoma. And nine year old nieces seem to be a problem as well.
*blub* *blub*
going down for the last time....
[Posted at 20:15 on 12/04/02]
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