Siber-Den
22 October 2001
Angst, Resignation, and Related Ramblings
It has been a long time. I haven’t updated in months. Sorry. I’ll try to get one out today. There’s quite a bit circling in my brain right now.
I don’t know how one can have a journal and not comment on the events of Sept. 11th. I have nothing eloquent or insightful or deep to add to whatever has already been said or written about what happened that day. Something so devastating happened a good thousand or so miles away from me, and I’m finding as the days wear on that I’m affected more and more by it. In little ways. And big ones.
Planes have an eerie effect on me these days. I don’t think I ever even noticed them before. Lately, I think every plane I see flying over Houston is flying too low. Mom and I had coffee yesterday at Diedrichs and sat in the back of the side patio. We must have been right under a major landing corridor for Hobby airport. What seemed to be every five minutes, a jet would soar directly over us. Every single one of them seemed to be way too low for my comfort. Planes do that to me these days. They’re almost like someone brandishing a knife. It’s a most useful tool most days. On that particular day, somebody realized its capacity to kill. I walked home from downtown a few days ago and noticed a jet circling downtown. I stopped on the side of Allen Parkway and watched for about five minutes as this plane circled around the buildings and then came back around and headed towards Hobby Airport. The whole time, I couldn’t move from my spot in fear. It sounds so ludicrous now, but it scared the life out of me. How on earth will I ever be able to get back on one of those things?
I have begun to notice the buildings downtown in ways I never have. I find myself looking up and vacillating between horror and wonder. They're quite beautiful, almost sculpted. They are works of wonder. I’ve noticed new things about them. The Shell building, on the west edge of downtown, looks like a simple 50 story, white, stone facade building. Lately, I’ve noticed two ridges on the wide sides of the building. How many times have I walked downtown and I’ve never noticed those? The Chase Tower looks amazingly vulnerable on the north edge of downtown with its 80 stories. They’ve closed to the public the observation deck on the 63rd floor. 63 floors and I barely had the stomach to look out those windows. I don’t want to think about how high a hundred must have seemed.
The police are everywhere downtown. On street corners, in the lobbies of buildings, in the tunnels. I can't remember if I'd ever seen a policeman in the tunnels before this. Maybe I just didn't notice. Maybe we're just simply more aware of our surroundings. Everyone gets the once over. Either they check out your id or they just size you up visually. Most of it seems amazingly inadequate. Someone’s peace of mind is eased by all the hullabaloo.
People seem different. They're friendlier. In elevators, in hallways, at eateries downtown, people just seem more willing to touch some base with the people around them. I don't know if it's a sort of weird nationalistic camaraderie or just the desire to seek out some warmth from those around us. Maybe we all have something in common since then. The America United slogan seems trite but maybe there's something to it.
There goes a plane. I have this desire to run out and see how low it is.
I’ve been affected in not so subtle ways. My ability to think and speak has been greatly affected by the stress. Maybe not so much by the stress but by the inability to process the horrific magnitude of that day’s events. I seem to be in overload mode. My ability to form and complete sentences and remember people’s names and simple words has been greatly diminished. It seems to have been the straw and the camel for me. I was already dealing with quite a bit of emotional turmoil from my parents’ ordeal. A little less from my brothers’. Work, up till a few weeks ago, and the economy had me a little on edge as well. So did my relationship with Kev. I wonder how well things are going between us quite frequently lately. I know this is a living thing between us and I should expect cycles of ups and downs. It’s just I need some ups right now. Or maybe simply some reassurance. Reassurance is a good thing, as GW would say. And Kev doesn’t give it lightly or frivolously. It’s worth its weight in gold. He has quite a bit going through his mind right now though as well. It keeps me from adding to the burden.
Time for work. My heart doesn't seem to be in it, but there’s not much need for heart when one is simply doing busy work. Maybe it will get my mind off the world at large. It seems to have taken more than its share of my emotional energy lately. I seem to be in need of a refill. Or a recharge.
And there goes another plane.
[Posted at 12:53 on 10/22/01]
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