Siber-Den
29 April 2001
Sunny Sunday
I think i've found a cure for the blues. A temporary one anyway. It's called walking two miles and seeing Reckless Kelly play an outdoor venue.
Kev and I walked to the International Festival today. The sun was out. It was breezy. Almost a perfect day to be out and about. The thing is, both of us have been sort of mopey/draggy the past week. I've chalked it up to saying goodbye to Stormy. When this day finally arrived, I didn't think I even wanted to do it. Once the boys got started playing, a smile appeared on my face.
I needed this. I needed just to have something pleasant transpire in front of me and just allow myself to take it in. RK on a warm spring day did the trick.
They sounded amazing, as usual. David made wondrous sounds emanate from his guitar. Willy was at his vocal best and in good humor(and dredless, thank god). Cody was all smiles as he fiddled. and Jay looked like some kind of funky movie star with his sunglasses and newly dyed blonde hair.
When months go by between shows, I forget how good they really are. The last time I saw them was the firehouse show in early march. I couldn't get too into the show then because Kev was back at home working on his diss. It was hard for me to relax and have a good time knowing he was at home working. This was much better. I'm being silly, I know.
I'm glad we went. It did a world of good.
[Posted at 16:48 on 04/29/01]
26 April 2001
Celebrating His Life
I haven't written yet about what happened tuesday morning. It's hard to put the thoughts together and come up with something coherent and cohesive. I know I need to record what happened. Not that I'd ever forget any of it.
My mom called at 7 am Tuesday morning to tell me that Stormy was bad. That he'd had a very bad night. I called his regular vet several times, but I kept catching the clinic recording. He was in a bad way. I pet him and talked to him. My presence always seemed to excite him and that morning wasn't different. He immediately struggled to get up when he saw me. I went to the phone again to call his vet and finally got an answer. His vet said that I'd have to wait two hours since he had appointments scheduled. When I mentioned the direness of the situation, he chided me for waiting till now and expressed irritation that I'd be disrupting the clinic's routine if I brought him in without an appointment. As he explained the importance of this routine, I hung up on him and called Stormy's specialist. He said to bring him right in. We put him in the car. My mom said goodbye to him. I called Kev on the way and he left work to join us. They met us at the clinic with a stretcher and took him in. Dr. Heald saw us immediately. He listened to his chest. The right side had no air going in. The left side seemed partially collapsed. There wasn't anything more he could do for him. He asked me how ready I was for this. I told him as ready as I could be. They took him away to attach a catheter. We talked to him and pet him. After the first injection, he calmed down and relaxed. I held his head and talked to him. I told him to say hi to Hutch. That he was a good boy. That I loved him. Then I heard Dr. Heald say that he was gone. And Kev and I were alone with him.
Two days later and I'm still crying about it. What a beautiful dog he was. What a strong presence he had. He had an air about him that whispered alpha. I miss him. My mom is devastated without him. Even the other huskies seem sad without him. It's as if they don't know what to do without their leader.
I bought a book last night that examines the intelligence of dogs. The first chapter deals with early beliefs. It touches on what Descartes believed about animals and dogs in particular. Descartes concluded that they were simply machines incapable of thought or feeling or intelligence. The author cites specific examples of behavior in dogs to counter Descartes' claims. I don't need someone else to defend these creatures' intelligence to me. I just need to remember what grace and sense of life Stormy had. There was nothing machinelike about him. His effect on all of us is even stronger evidence of that.
[Posted at 09:57 on 04/26/01]
24 April 2001
Farewell
"We who choose to surround ourselves
with lives even more temporary than
our own live within a fragile circle,
easily and often breached.
Unable to accept its awful gaps,
we still would live no other way.
We cherish memory as the only certain
immortality, never fully understanding
the necessary plan....."
"THE ONCE AGAIN PRINCE"
from "Separate Life Times"
by Irving Townsend
Goodbye, my sweet Stormy.
[Posted at 13:51 on 04/24/01]
I Need to Sleep
Geez. It's one in the morning and I can't sleep. My mind just won't slow down.
Good news about my dad. The bone scan turned out to be negative. No metastasis. What is causing my dad's back to hurt so? He fell at the ice house a few weeks ago. It seems the bone scan also revealed a broken rib. A broken rib. Imagine that. He still has to find out what to do about the mass in his kidney, but for now, he just needs to rest and heal.
Stormy is another matter. His specialist called me today while Kev and I were having lunch. He did not have good news for me. The pathologist believes the cells found in the fluid indicate that he has a malignant carcinoma of the lungs. Something like that. That the cells were loose in the fluid indicates that it's spread. There wasn't much more that needed to be said. Mom is still insistent that she doesn't want to have him put to sleep. I spent most of the afternoon with him today. The only thing that seemed to offer him any relief was soaking in the cool water of the pond liner that my mom stores rain water in. He ate a few spoonfuls of cat food for me. He wouldn't eat for my mom tonight.
I don't know what more to do. Is it awful for me to want him to pass quietly in his sleep tonight? Maybe that's why i can't sleep. I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye to him today. I left thinking that tomorrow, I'd get a chance to look in his blue eyes once again. But I can't bear to see him strain to breathe again like he did today. It reminds me too much of what an asthma attack feels like to me. Is he feeling some of that panic? Is it painful for him? Does he pace because it's harder to get air in while lying down? Is he tired of forcing the air in and out, like I was that day I was intubated? Maybe that's why I can't sleep.
For some reason, my thoughts turned for a few minutes to what a mischievous dog he used to be. When we adopted him, I owned an old mutt named Hutch. Hutch had a strange sensitivity about his backside. He hated being touched, bumped, handled etc, in his tail area. He was so protective of his 'tail area' that the only place he would do his 'business' was with his back up against a tree. Hutch might've had some latent issues. Stormy soon discovered this little quirk and used it for maximum comic relief. He would purposefully rest his nose for a second (about how long it would take) at the top of Hutch's tail just to get a snarling reaction out of him. He'd then trot off with this goofy grin on his face. Haha, I made the old man mad. He got such a kick out of making hutch furious. Of course, the fact that we laughed with him was an even greater reward. I still chuckle at the thought now.
Memories. I won't have to say goodbye to them.
[Posted at 01:12 on 04/24/01]
22 April 2001
Uncontrollable Changes
At some point, I went home yesterday to check on our various patients. Dad seemed ok. A little tired. Friday nights at the ice house tend to tire him, but he loves doing it. In his own way, he's such a perfectionist, wanting everything to be a certain way and criticizing the person who brought him substandard materials for his hotdog production. It's funny, but it's also admirable. Why shouldn't the littlest thing be done the best way it can be done. I sometimes jokingly call him the hotdog nazi, but I know deep down that it's because he cares about the quality that people line up for those damn things. He suffered from a little heat exhaustion last night, but mom took care of it by forcing him to drink plenty of water. My dad still goes around believing that he doesn't have to pay extra attention to his condition. Needless to say, hopefully we'll get good news tomorrow from his doctor about the bone scan.
Stormy was as well as a creature with a pulmonary mass could be. His breathing was a bit labored, but the warm day might've contributed to that. I hope to get a chance to talk to his specialist tomorrow. I did talk to his regular vet yesterday and he explained in a little better detail what the x-rays and ultrasound showed. He offered little hope but also offered reluctance to convey total hopelessness. Stormy's gotten through this once before. That's really the only thing that might get him through this again. whatever got him through last time. He's older though. And weaker from the last time. I guess we've been waiting for three years. We can wait to see what happens this time.
The newest patient is my 16 year old siamese named Casper (his bday his monday!). He's lost a lot of weight and doesn't want to eat too much. His symptoms remind me a lot of the kidney disease that killed his mom a couple of years ago. There isn't much that can be done for that. I actually hooked his mom, Sam, up to an i.v. twice a day and flooded her system with fluid in an attempt to jump start her kidneys (not unlike what my mom does with my dad everyday). She survived for three months after her diagnosis. Even brought me a mouse the first week of treatment to show me her gratitude for my efforts. I don't think, though, that i'll put Casper through the same twice-a-day needle punctures. I don't know that Sam wouldn't have just died at that time without the treatments. She loved the extra attention I gave her, but hated the needle sticks.
I go over what I write about all our loved ones' travails and wonder how I can be so clinical about them. Believe me, it is the reader's digest condensed version of what's going on inside me about it. I'm in denial about most of it, especially my dad. I am amazingly change averse when it comes to my life. I hate things changing even in the least. And seeing my dad and Stormy, occupiers of big chunks of my heart, suffering the way they are sometimes overwhelms me. I want my dad to be the strong man he always was. I want Stormy once again to be the 80 lb. behemoth of a husky that used to be my sole source of companionship. Being the control freak and fixer of problems that I am, I want just to apply a little energy to the situation and fix it. What good is being a control freak if the important things are out of one's control?
Some things I have to leave to others to fix. Worst of all, some things I have to accept can't be fixed. Nothing about this is easy for me.
[Posted at 13:02 on 04/22/01]
19 April 2001
Rankled
I just got off the phone with my mom. Stormy seems to be better, but he also seems to be refusing to take his antibiotics. Not that I blame him, cephalexin has a nasty, vinegary taste and smell. It's probably just his way of getting more spoiling. We're talking of opening the capsules and adding it to some tuna fish. Do we know how to spoil our pups or what? He has us trained well.
Kev's message boards are all the rage right now. I love reading the various posts. He has some pretty intelligent (not to mention pretty), witty readers of his journal.
One post to the message boards though seems to have raised my ire. If I didn't know the identity of this person, I'd be tempted to surmise that Paul Begala decided to post to the forum. The poster seems to claim that since she experienced difficulty in her particular workplace while working in a 'semi-rural' community in the south, it would be logical to generalize that the south as an entire region is prone to be sexist. She goes on to say that it was perhaps made worse by the fact the she's a yankee. Hmmm. Seems strange. She finds no problem blasting the populace of a whole region based on interactions with one or two people, while saying that sexism, loosely defined as the prejudice against the whole of one gender, is wrong. Don't dismiss me cuz I'm female, but I can damn well dismiss you because you're a backward southerner. Ok.
Does sexism exist in the south? Yeah. as I'm sure it exists in the venerable, educated east. A-holes are not relegated to any particular region. But knowing this person's particular knack at getting those of the opposite sex all riled up, it makes me want to conclude that she's probably the one with the problem. That sounds amazingly harsh of me, but it rankles me to no end when people blame inability to succeed on some sort of larger conspiracy.
I think my general bias against this person is showing. Also being a proud southerner is getting in the way as well. Ah well. It's my forum and I can spout if I want to.
[Posted at 09:49 on 04/19/01]
17 April 2001
The 'C' Word
After spending almost six hours at the vet clinic with Stormy, I got the news. His thoracic mass seems to have returned, but this time in his lungs. The doc compared his x-rays from a year and a half ago to today's and the difference was frightening. I couldn't see any major organs in today's from all the inflamation and fluid in his thoracic cavity. I should've brought him in six weeks ago when he first exhibited symptoms, but I thought his regular vet could handle it. He just didn't seem as seriously ill as last time. I can't get the picture of the x-ray out of my head.
His specialist drained about 600 cc's of blood-tinged fluid from around his heart and lungs and is sending it off for analysis. Removing that should help Stormy breathe a little better since all the fluid was pressing in on his lungs. He also prescribed antibiotics and Lasix again. Those are the only meds we gave him last time (+Prednisone), and they seemed to do some good (though mom would credit the holy oil she annointed him with for doing the most good).
I can't believe he's sick again. Does cancer ever really go away for good? Or does it just hide for a while and allow the survivor and his loved ones to be filled with false hopes of survival and longevity? I've gotten three extra years with him. I guess I should just be thankful and take what comes. I didn't think I'd get three weeks after he collapsed. I am thankful. I guess I'm also selfish. I want him around for more.
[Posted at 22:47 on 04/17/01]
Huskies Being Huskies
Today was threatening to be way too stressful. I've just decided to get done what I can and move anything else to tomorrow. as kev can testify, I tend to get a little stressed out by little things that shouldn't garner that kind of response.
Thankfully, work is easing up again. Today's account is probably the worst of all of them. It'll probably have to spill over to tomorrow. Yesterday I finally asked my biggest account for a $200 increase. The librarian happily said ok. Now he tells me. If I'd known he was that open to an increase, I would've asked for one months ago :).
I have an appointment for stormy, my husky, this afternoon with his heart specialist. Three years ago, Stormy collapsed and was later diagnosed with a heart tumor (actually a mass in his pericardium). Remarkably, the mass disappeared with very little treatment from us (the vet said there really wasn't anything that could be done for it). But his health was adversely affected, and we keep a close eye on it. Last week, he had a second bout in about two months of not wanting to eat his dinner, so I scheduled an appt with his specialist this time. Unfortunately, they just called to say that yesterday's storm knocked out their electricity, so they may not be able to see him when he's scheduled. Hopefully they will. poor pup.
My mom has reported that the two other huskies we care for have been hard at work hunting in the backyard. Two days ago, Ms. Galena, the counter-surfing, destruction-prone rescue who came to live with us a year and a half ago, caught a young possum. Poor possums. They think that playing dead works on huskies. Actually all it does is provide a still target for their prey drive. Running away at full speed would actually give them better odds at escaping a husky's attack.
Our third husky, Camie, has also gotten his share of game. This morning he caught a squirrel. Mom has been telling me tales of the squirrel that runs all over the fence and the trees in the back yard taunting the dogs. I told her that it's only a matter of time before one of them manages to catch it. It finally happened.
This was one aspect of owning a husky that I used to find very distasteful, their knack at catching and killing small animals. But it's something that was never bred out of the breed. Years ago, after finding that my second husky, Stormy, had a penchant for attacking cats, I posted to the husky list and asked if the strong prey drive was something the breeders on the list were trying to breed out of the breed. did they breed dogs that exhibited this tendency, or did it even figure into what they considered was a good example of temperament? Most that answered seemed perplexed that that was even an issue for me. Dog and people aggression are considered no-nos for temperament. Prey drive isn't given the slightest consideration. I even received some responses that asked if I thought it necessary for breeders to breed out the tendency of cats to kill small animals. They equated a husky's prey drive with that. It's hard for an animal lover to just shrug that aspect away, but I love them anyway. Though it's the reason I'm hesitant to add anymore huskies to the brood.
[Posted at 09:06 on 04/17/01]
13 April 2001
Niece Fix
I put in another good day at work yesterday. I was so overwhelmed with work that after I arrived there, I almost turned around and left (not exactly the best way to deal with stress, but it seemed to be a good remedy at the moment). I managed to trudge through the hardest stuff. My boss is out of town till monday, and I have today to clean it out. I'm trying to get up the nerve to ask him for a few hundred dollars more a month, and having it cleaned out will be a good incentive for him to say yes. I'm not very good at asking people for anything. We'll see if I can get the nerve up.
This has been a weird week. I got to see my niece, T, a few days ago, and last night, P brought my other niece L by. He needed me to look after her for an hour because the ice house was too busy.
My first response to P was that Kev and I were on our way out the door to have dinner. We were. One of the highlights of my day is having dinner with Kev. Almost a year ago, I decided to start leaving work early just so I could be home in time to sit down with him and eat. P was shocked that I actually said no...that something would actually come before what he wanted. and I realize it was a totally selfish decision on my part, but it's what I wanted.
I felt bad about something though. and as the evening wore on, I tried to analyze what it was. I don't allow J to bring the kids by when she's in a bind. Why should I allow my brother when he hasn't even been spending enough time with them to begin with? Maybe I felt bad because it's still really hard for me to say no to anyone. I've gotten better at it, but it's still like pulling teeth. What I finally realized is the reason it felt so bad was I simply wanted to see her. I got 30 minutes with her.
L is a scary kid. She's almost three, but the things that come out of her mouth are scary. She has the vocabulary and comprehension of an eight year old. And her intelligence doesn't stop there. Show her something once and ten minutes later, she'll go back to it and remember how to do it. She too is having problems with the death last week of their poodle. She kept talking about the blood coming out of his mouth and how they buried him (poor pup). I don't think she realized at the time that that would be the last time she would see him. She seemed really sad about it. She did seem to like kiwi. I'm not sure Ms. Ki knew what to make of her.
L's facial expressions and verbalizations are very similar to her older sister's. It was sort of funny to see and hear a littler version of T talking. I don't know if that's more mimicry or heredity. Probably a little of both.
I've (un)officially had my niece fix. Granted I haven't seen two of them, but it'll have to suffice.
Kev tweaked this site a little last night. It's nice to love someone who knows so much about html and style sheets. I'm managing to pick up a little as well. He has no idea how much I appreciate it. Maybe he does :).
[Posted at 07:38 on 04/13/01]
11 April 2001
Easter's a-comin
I got a chance to see my niece yesterday. Kev and I were returning home from walking Ms. Ki when we saw a familiar white pick up pulling into the parking lot. Yep, it was my brother, P, and my niece, T, was in tow. It was good to see her. Kev, T, and I piled into the Cobra, put the top down, and drove to the coffee shop. We sat there for about an hour and chatted. She seems fine. J has been telling everyone how depressed T is but she really seemed cheerful and strong when we saw her last night, joking with us, doing things that seem appropriate for a seven year old. I don't really know what to make of it. She even discussed the death of her poodle with us and was able to talk all about it. I know kids deal with things in different ways. Maybe T just thinks she needs to be strong in front of us. But this isn't the T i'm used to. For most of her life, she's been an amazingly clingy, emotional child, not wanting even to let go of me physically when she's with me. Part of me wants to say her mom must be doing a great job with her. Even though we sometimes feel she uses the kids to get what she wants from us or justifies her needs through the kids, it seems the kids have been shielded from most of the garbage. maybe.
It's happening again. I'm still wanting to think the best of J. I'm still wanting to think that maybe after all the mess of the divorce, she'll emerge a healthier and nicer person. Delusional I know. I'm allowed my fantasies.
My other brother, F, emailed me today and invited Kev and I to Easter dinner at his house. My parents, his wife, his wife's parents, his kids, and my sister will be there. It should be ok. F is convinced that we need to do this for my dad since we're not entirely sure what will end up happening with him healthwise. He does have a way of putting things in perspective. I'd love to spend a day with all of them. It's been a long time since the whole family did a family holiday. It'll be nice to see us all together in one place. Kudos to my brother and his wife. I hope we'll all be able to do it again next year and maybe add Kev's parents to the brew (it would be amazing to add them to the brew this year though:).
Now I just need to remember to call the bakery tomorrow and order a chocolate fudge cake. This is the cake my bro's wife served the last time we were there and Kev, chocoholic that he is, still raves about it.
[Posted at 21:06 on 04/11/01]
10 April 2001
I Love My Mom
I got up this morning to find out that my dad had been discharged from the hospital a few hours before and sent home. My poor mom had committed to doing a Holy Tuesday service at the church (she's their best chanter...and I'm not biased...ok, I am, but the consensus pretty much is that she is the best), so she turned around and cranked out a service at nine this morning. I met her outside the church afterwards (I didn't go in since I was wearing cut offs and a t-shirt...laundry day attire not holy week attire). We went to Diedrich's and had some coffee and chatted for about an hour. She looked utterly exhausted. remarkably she was in good spirits. That's my mom. She has this amazing spirit. The whole world can be crumbling around her, and she'll search to find something in the rubble that will elicit a laugh. Soon, she has us both laughing till our stomachs hurt. Today was like that. We chatted about work (plenty of pats on the back all the way around...we need to keep our morale up so we can trudge through the mountains of work we face), about my dad, about my sister-in-law, about each other, about the dogs (pets are the best laugh precipitators), about the squirrel that gets a kick out of taunting our huskies, and about church.
I don't expect her to work this week. She needs to recuperate from these hospital stays. And from the church services. We can crack the whip in earnest next week.
This is the first day this year that this apartment is HOT. Kev always complains about how hard it is to cool this place in the summer. Another thing to look forward to in our new place. It's downstairs and allegedly easier to cool.
[Posted at 13:59 on 04/10/01]
09 April 2001
Maybe Changes Don't Happen Overnight
My second entry of the day....
Unfortunately, it hasn't been a good day. It started out ok. I put in eight straight hours of work (yes, I like being productive at work), and I walked to work, which is always a plus. Then I went and made the mistake of thinking that people can change. I don't know why I think this way. I guess there's this part of me that believes that there's good in all of us. That if given the chance, it will come to the surface and reveal itself. So much for chances.
I called my sister-in-law, J, this afternoon. I haven't spoken to her in almost nine months. She and my brother have their first divorce hearing next week. Not a very good time for me to surface, I know, but I was hoping that I could just simply ask her to let me see my niece on Wednesday--pick her up from school, hang out with her all day, and return her that evening. J's been complaining (nicely put) to everyone who'll hear that we've been neglecting her kids. Actually her complaints have more of a selfish concern for her, but I don't have the energy to go into it here. What was her answer to my simple request? The edited, child-friendly answer to that question was a resounding no. She'll get back to me when she decides I can see her. So much for her concern for my niece's supposed misery away from us. She hasn't changed. I don't know why I thought she would have.
Everyone warned me not to do it--not to call her. Kev did, my mom did, P did. But not a day has gone by that I haven't wondered whether I should just give it a chance. now I know. and I still feel awful. 'They' say knowing is better than not knowing. I feel more awful now than I did wondering. now I'm wondering what 'they' could possibly mean.
Right now I'm more concerned about my dad being in the hospital. He was doing ok until a few weeks ago when he started having some scary symptoms. He spent two days in the hospital at the beginning of last week, and my mom and brother, F, just admitted him again this evening. He's due for some tests in the morning that'll hopefully give us some idea of what to do next. I'm worried about him. Thank god for my brother. He's doing a good job 'restraining' my dad. My dad HATES the hospital. I'll take over for my brother in the morning.
[Posted at 20:45 on 04/09/01]
Squeaky Carrots and Boodahs
I knew this was going to happen. I knew if I set a journal up, I was going to post a lot of dog stuff on it. Well, it's the second day into this thing, and I've come across something that needed posting.
The dog's name is Maddie. She's an english springer spaniel...well...you can get the whole story from the site. For some reason, this sort of stuff kills me. Yes I know that 10 month old babies are dying in the middle east. Yes I know there are worse things going on in the world. This affects me too. I can't do rescue anymore because of these damn lungs, but I can contribute in other ways. and I can get the word out. I gotta do something.
Poor little girl.
[Posted at 00:08 on 04/09/01]
08 April 2001
Births and Deaths
i'm going to take the plunge here and put up my first journal entry. i've been a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. i guess i'm afraid i'll have something akin to the olympic gymnastics committee grading me on punctuation and style and grace etc :). that's one of the reasons i've held off starting this beast. well, no more. after all, this is for me, not them.
it's been a baseball-filled weekend. i'm burnt to a crisp from the houston sun and hoarse from screaming at the umps. it's a little strange that a shy, introverted person like myself gets all bent outta shape at a ballgame or a football game and screams herself hoarse. must be something there for the psychologists.
kev and i visited with our new landlords this evening. i am amazed by how much they trust us. within a few minutes of meeting us last sunday, they invited us into their house and showed us around (they couldn't show us the place that was available ...the current renters weren't home). even today, they spoke with us for about an hour while we chatted about various items on the lease, dogs (they have a cute boston terrier...playmate for kiwi?), and housing in the area. the wife seems nice but guarded. her husband actually gave us a reason for that last week after a few minutes of talking to him. there seems to be much pain in her eyes. they seem like such an interesting couple. weathered, though.
what a change. kev and i go from living upstairs from cro-magnon to living downstairs from a couple with such depth. life's strange.
[Posted at 00:14 on 04/08/01]
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